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I struggle on, Keep going
I struggle on, Keep going
Putting forth my effort
What have I gained
Where am I going?
Is this all leading somewhere?
Just when I've done well
It all comes down,
Down on my head
When I think I can stop and relax
I've only just begun.
What keeps me going
Why should I keep going
I just want to stop
It wasn't always like this.
Once,
Upon a time,
In a dream,
I lived with those who love me
Friends surrounded me
I was immersed,
In life.
But now,
Cold reality
My friends are far and few between
My loved ones far away
I am immersed,
In meaningless pantomime
I hide
Behind a facade
They know me not
I long to do
Not to plan
Not to wish
Not to hope.
When my dreams
Take me over
And I lose myself
Will I be
Any less mindless
Than I am now
Desolate
Hoping but not receiving
Grasping but not reaching
Trudging along
Forever without end.
Analysis and Background
This poem was written in 1992 during
while I was at the Air Force Academy. That a poem
like this was inside of me surprises most people
who know me, since I'm happy and uppity so much
of the time. Ironically, at the time I wrote it
I was actually quite happy, but I remembered well,
the times that I was not. There are actually three
themes in the poem. The first is the inexorable
nature of life. No matter what you do, it marches
on and threatens to leave you behind. This is constantly
seen in Academy life. They load you with so many
responsibilities that you have to let some things
go; then they yell at you for it (it's quite a convenitent
system, once you stop taking it personally). You
can't ever really stop and relax, because then you're
that much farther behind. The second theme is separation
from family and friends. I went to high school in
South America, and most of my friends' parents had
gone to different parts of the world, and my family
had moved from South America to Florida, so I had
no memories of a "home" I could return
to. Meanwhile, I was Colorado. The last theme is
otherness. Sometimes you feel that you are not yourself,
that you are watching or observing yourself do things,
but that it's not really you. Usually I feel like
this when I'm doing something I don't like for an
extended period. What would happen if you completely
gave into that feeling and just stopped doing? Would
you lose yourself, or were you already lost and
merely ackowledging that fact. When you are not
yourself, how do you regain yourself. Interesting
questions that I don't know the answer to.
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